Her name is Svetlana, or Sveta and she is beautiful. She is in her early-forties, employed, divorced, has children that are grown, and is looking for a good man from the West. Perfect, right?
Maybe. She only speaks and reads Ukrainian. She may not know how to drive a car either. She's never lived far from where she lives now.
Most of us midlife men haven't seriously considered this option but I also know any number of men in their 40s on up who haven't been able to find a partner that suited them, some after 20 years of searching! The foreign wife is an option and involves a process that is more easily navigated in this age of the internet and global travel.
In my conversations with some of the folks in the industry, revenue has continued to grow even with difficult economic news. My contact stated that the primary demographic for this type of business is comprised of midlife men.
So, what are some of the reasons for not going after a foreign wife? The points listed here are not without their controversy, but let's look at some of the key reasons given as to why you should not pursue a foreign bride:
1. Bad Motives. This first point has to be the number one reason put forth for not getting involved with a foreign woman. In a nutshell, the reason boils down to some variation of ‘they want something more than you', or ‘you're a means to a more important end.' These women are interested in western men not because of a better relationship, but better economics or a better passport.
The first argument revolves around the belief that the woman is seeking someone with money in order to make her life easier – call her a gold digger of sorts. The scenario is best reflected in the case of an attractive young woman targeting a much older man.
In this scenario, the relationship is secondary to the economics. The extension of this argument is that she will divorce the man and attempt to take some of his assets during the divorce.
A second reason associated with this ‘bad motives' argument involves the pursuit by the woman of a better passport. Over time, the man not only may bring economic benefit, but also assures access to western residency or passport. This is freedom of a different kind – it's about options.
2. Language Difficulties. Language skills will vary considerably depending on where the woman is from. However, in most places there likely will be significant challenges to be overcome in this area. If a relationship is what one is seeking, then it will be frustrated for some time until she attains fluency. Even with time, there are numerous nuances and subtleties that may never be learned.
3. Culture and Background Differences. Culture, like language, helps form the world view of each of us. With very different backgrounds, we are truly quite different people one from another. These hard-to-specify differences can raise barriers to harmony and unity in the relationship unless one recognizes key cultural differences that have molded her views.
4. Distance Is a Challenge. Depending on where she is from, distance has introduced a number of challenges to the relationship. There is the challenge of getting to know her and her family because of the distance that separates you. There is the cost of getting to know her and her family. There is the cost and difficulty of actually getting her access to your country.
Assuming you succeed in getting her into your country, then the distance factor continues in such ways as having to support her ongoing need to communicate and visit her children and other family members. Then there are family emergencies and death of parents and other close relatives that must be accommodated.
5. Will Need Support. Think about it. She does not read or write your language. She can't drive a car. She can't get a job. She will likely go through culture ‘shock', a period of emotional and physical adjustment to a world that is quite different from her own. She will feel lonely and out of place. She will miss her friends and family. And you're the one she will look to to help her through this transition.
6. It Will Cost You. You will spend money to connect with her and to try to figure out if she is the one. You will likely fly to visit her in her country, likely more than once. While in her country you have room and board expenses, plus in-country transportation costs. You will likely have to put up the money to get her to your location. You will have to pay for language classes. You gained a dependent who is unable to earn income for some time.
7. Will Be Just Like Western Women in Time. Assuming you are looking at foreign women because they are not like western women, then you may be looking at a temporary situation. As the foreign woman becomes less ‘foreign', then she may become more like that which you didn't like – a strange irony.
Whichever the case, the internet has made it easier to learn about these women, engage them in meaningful dialog, and eventually meet them face-to-face. It may be an option for you. But be aware of what you're getting into.
All that glitters may not be gold! The gold that is to be found in these relationships will be mined day-by-day and you will work hard to access the precious mineral hidden in this relationship. You will likely work harder to extract the benefit.
But the hope is, of course, that you will indeed strike it rich in the end.
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